Never trust a white guy with open-toed shoes.
Never trust a fat guy with blow-dried hair
I recently got a Chia Pet as a gift. It came with a registration card. I guess any loser with enough spare time to grow grass on a brick also has time to register it.
Many people are so boring that their next meal is the most exciting thing in their lives. No wonder everyone’s fat.
I just heard a news story- studies have shown that luggage screeners lack the skills necessary to detect weapons and dangerous items in luggage.
If you download a “Shemales of the Ukraine” video and it blows up your computer, how do you explain that to tech support?
By the time I can get the plastic wrapper off a new CD, the goddamn band isn't popular anymore.
People have dreams in which they suddenly realize they are out in public naked. That happens to me too. Except, it happens to me when I’m awake.
What’s with guys who wear undershirts under t-shirts?
The reason dolphins haven’t taken over the world is that they don’t have hands.
Why can't women use thermostats?
Why can't anyone get kids with cancer baseball caps that fit?
For years we struggled with ‘child-proof’ tops on some over the counter medications. Now they have ‘easy open’ tops on the same medications. Huh!?
Stubborn smart people rule the world. Stubborn stupid people should be taken out back and shot.
Is the glue that holds the ends of toilet paper rolls together safe to put up your butt?
If I buy one more item with a price sticker on it that doesn’t come off when I get it home I’m gonna kill somebody.
I "like" politics like an oncologist "likes" cancer.
Hitler has forever vanquished the Charlie Chaplin moustache as well as the first name Adolph.