Tom Romita

Writer. Director. Frustrated Human.

Tom has been successfully (not) writing “unscripted” television shows for almost twenty years.  From the romantic comedy of “Blind Date” and “Matched in Manhattan,” to the family drama of “Wife Swap” and “Shalom in the Home,” to the workplace shenanigans of “Counting Cars” and “New York Ink,” Tom has crafted stories to the delight of millions of viewers over the years.  He’s reached a level of success that has allowed him to live in the city he loves, New York, and secure a wife and daughter so beautiful, people think he’s adopted.  But now, he’s doing it the right way. He’s writing stuff down. Right here. Please enjoy his website, and feel free to share, Tweet or contact Tom directly to say hi, exchange ideas, or introduce him to really rich people who might want to produce his movies.

THE BREAST TEST

Having been privy to, and participant in, thousands if not millions of conversations amongst men, I have discovered an interesting yet relatively worthless fact:

You can identify a woman's exact breast size by the conversation men are having about her when she is not around.

If men are referring to a woman as flat, scrawny, skinny, "built like a 10 yr. old boy", or say she has nice feet, hair, job or personality- the letter embroidered on her frilly underthings will more than likely be an "A".

If men are having a conversation about a woman and make absolutely no reference to her breasts whatsoever- her pectoral protrusions are without question a "B".

If men are talking about a woman and speak of her breasts in a positive (translation: lustful) way, she writes "C" on the Vickie's Secret order form. "C" is the threshold cup size when men begin to take a personal interest in a woman's breasts. These will be referred to in conversation as nice tits, sick tits, great rack, awesome boobs, cute puppies, fantastic ta-tas, sweet knobs, or sweater meat.

If men are discussing a woman, and the beginning, middle and end of the conversation are about her breasts- she is a "D". Men will refer to her hooters, gozangas, righteous yabbos, knockers, jugs, melons, funbags, basketballs, breastketballs, papayas, tetangas, tig 'ol bitties, fucking huge tits, crazy shirt pillows, monster mams, airbags, male entrapment devices, milksacs, an insane set, floaties, National Geographic tits, huge ass boobs, honkers, the Guns of Navarrone, boulders, marshmallows, golden winnebegoes, mountains, McGuffies, norks, hogans, grenades, the dairy section, whoppers, massive mammaries, tittaaaaaayyys!, torpedoes or towel racks. The conversation will be interspersed with utterances of "Holy shit did you see (insert woman's name here)'s(insert term from above list here)(insert last time the men were in the same room as well endowed woman here)!?!!

If the conversation amongst men goes like this: "Yo man can I borrow $40? I just blew my last dime in the champagne room!" This lady's breasts are a "DD". Or bigger...